You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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