i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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