I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
