I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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