I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
