Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
