I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
