Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
