we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She's the barista slut.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
