we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize