Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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