I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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