im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Randomize
