i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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