OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
