Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
