This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
