I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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