Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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