i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
