So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
