I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
we should paint friendship bongs
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