Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
