Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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