I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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