I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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