I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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