Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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