remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
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he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
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Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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