I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
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No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
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My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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