Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize