He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
