Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
