I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
