Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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