Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
