He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
