I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
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