I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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