she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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