I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I need a burrito and a hug.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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