He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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