tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize