Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
