i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Is it because I queefed?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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