nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
