I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
