The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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