You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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