so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
