it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
