I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
