Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
