She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
